June 15th, 2009 by Admin
I received this medical tip from a friend; kinda strong medicine, but I thought it might help you, too:
If you’re bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
“My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Charlie Rangle, Chris Dodd and Al Gore.”
If that doesn’t scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be constipated for the rest of your life.
June 14th, 2009 by Admin
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St. Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
June 13th, 2009 by Admin
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of
the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Save the
Owls’ hat and a ‘To Hell with Bush’ T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from
the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers
came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear, and two of them threw it onto the bed of their
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back
seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is
not true.’
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was
that guy?’
‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom.’
‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom but
he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still
alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
June 10th, 2009 by Admin
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
June 9th, 2009 by Admin
NASA interviewed potential astronauts for a trip to Mars. Only one person could go and, since there couldn’t be enough fuel for a return trip, it would be one-way only.
The first applicant was an engineer. “How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?” the interviewer asked.
The engineer immediately answered, “One million dollars. And I’ll donate it all to my alma mater: Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor. Once again, “How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?”
The doctor answered, “Two million dollars; a million for my family and the other million for medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. And finally, “How much would you expect to get paid for this trip?”
He immediately whispered, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer curiously inquired.
The lawyer eagerly replied, “I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send that engineer!”
June 8th, 2009 by Admin
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up thoughtfully and says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts.”
June 7th, 2009 by Admin
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.
The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”
June 6th, 2009 by Admin
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
“Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box.”
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
“That’s not all,” says the doctor. “You don’t even want to know how they make their condoms!”
